by Karen Kellock, a very happily married
woman! "It's an achievement--the greatest in
made mistakes--who hasn't? And I know about relational abuse. This
book began as a Ph.D. Thesis in 1976 (UCI) and now I'm finishing it 33 years
later after a "Ph.D. in the streets". The
Contagion of Madness was
called The Psychology of
Neurotic Interaction then:
"Sick Cycles in the Sadomasochistic or Alcoholic Marriage:
Mate-Selection, Interactional Structures and Styles, and Obstacles to
Recovery". That's a lot of words describing my pain for your
gain. It's not him or her making us insane, but unforgiveness of
past systems without refrain. What is a sick system? What are
the signs? You'll know it's old
sores are the chain which
If you cry a lot it means you've
lost your center. You've "introjected" another person by
swallowing their reality whole. You must stop everything
and go within. Just look out the window and think (be your own
friend). Find emotional satisfaction in nature, times of day, who you are
becoming in solitude and who God is. As you in-gather your forces the
voracious need to eat, drink or mate dissolves. All your problems
you'll find this solves. We're way too concerned with society,
groups and what people think. As you make your mundane world absurd
you'll see how they stink! Your true genius is refined and superior:
what you see all around is rinky-dink.
The CONTAGION OF MADNESS is about what
happens when distorted implants rule your mind. You must mature
beyond society and people, finding your genius God designed. Instead
of taking this blessed adventure people want to be wined and
dined. My needs for affection were so great I wanted to
eat everything in sight (voracity) and even get tight (arrogant audacity).
Most women eat because they don't feel loved so they use food and drink to
turn on the light. I overcame these earthly
needs through twenty years alone in nature but you can transcend
through marriage alone. If lived right it's a new kind of throne like never
you've known: The Royal Couple is the magic star shown--good for
everyone to see, your best seed sown. But how few people see solitude
as good for the soul--they just endure or fight with the foe. Not me
I've got to be free and for a wonderful marriage, that's key.
THE CONTAGION OF MADNESS is
Systems-Analytic: pathological systems and interactions.
HOW ENERGY IS
Clear, you multi-adapt
to an ever-changing universe and succeed (a perfect hit) every time.
Dense, you mal-adapt through disease, blindness and being hooked. The
True Self is spirit, which is energy—it cannot be held down without severe
and painful results. Releasing blocked energy brings
self-expression—the raw talents in the fine design, but Genius is held down
by prideful puffed-up powers exalting themselves above God. Thinking theyare
God (new age slogan) they are jealous of the talents coming through you.
It’s a spiritual war between clear and dense (good and evil). The
involvement of human networks in mental illness has occurred since time
began and is the
human condition. Creative energy being blocked by other people has
severely painful and traumatic results: depression, low self-esteem
and the compulsion to fail (or ending in a mental institution or jail from
exploding tantrums). This is an urgent problem in an addictive society
because for every addict there are four people sick, i.e. the “contagion of
The cruelian demands
you love him when you don’t anymore. If you discuss with him he
demands you adapt to his logic (and it’s tragic). His reality is
superior, yours illogical. If he screams and you’re silent to avoid
abuse it’s “hostility”. It’s a double-bind situation from which
there is no escape. He’s always looking for an excuse to scream,
attack and injure as his cold eyes resemble a wild animal waiting for his
moment to pounce. He loves making you nervous about every word you
say. The pain of persecution from cruelians dissolves when you
understand it at this higher level: by seeing the incredible pressure
between his true and false identity we can end the pain caused by
troublemakers who explode with (often “polite”) cruelty as a
bio-device to release the misused energy from maintaining contradiction.
They are helpless—seeing this will switch your state from fear to insight.
Perception prevents pain but
refusing to see what is going on allows the cruelian to confuse, cajole and
cause you to cringe. It strikes horrors and brings nausea to the
sensitive: his anxious face, resentful words and empty life which
strikes fear like the desolation of hell. Putting you in recurrent
fear is his invisible crime as his defeats become your worries. Let
these outbursts become a blessing, for visions spring from crises! Use
terrible traumas and tantrums to reveal solutions while giving you the will
to act on them. God doesn’t want you to be hurt and destroyed by
evil—only seeing through empty (though glittering) social rewards brings
joy, so ask yourself: “Do I want to be here with him (them)?
Success comes with seeing through the world’s false front and fun which is
pure foolishness. Once seen, your own sickness goes lean, now you can
just walk and enjoy each scene. It was only denial degrading you
with spouse, family or teen.
The cruelian is compelled to win the debate,
score the ego point, be a hero and demolish his fellows to feel good.
He’s a conquistador. He wants his wicked ways to work but knows they
won’t. In conflict he can’t believe in himself so why should you?
If you do he’ll hate you for your foolish flattery or fawning over a fake
like him, so there is no winning in this situation. The fool
(like you and me) tries to please the cruelian thinking he’ll be loved but
in so doing he becomes spiritually weak while declaring cruelty as worthy of
worship. Why reward the ruinous and rank? Some even fear
rejecting this misery-maker. The solution is to realize you’re not
losing him but only your delusion that you need him. Detach, alight,
see things right. Never fight just use spiritual might—transcend like
a kite. It’s your awareness ALONE that subdues those rising up against
you, but your blind denial is the glue of gossiping groups.
WEED YOUR FRIENDSHIP
They are either in, or out. Those who
are IN you love, adore, cherish and reward. Those OUT you avoid,
ignore, disconnect. Out of your circle they have no way to hurt you
again. You decide, right now—for when all is right with you there will
be nothing wrong with your world. Realize now that it is you who has
sent out invitations for this disaster. Practice IN and OUT for one
month. You will feel more relief than you’ve ever known. Once
someone is designated OUT your inner man realizes he’s a foe or faker and so
expects nothing more. You’ll no longer be hurt by unexpected
slights—the King salutes not the foe. In becoming Queen the outs will
never slight you again—they hate you anyway for placating, pandering to and
pleading with their sick, silly and sadistic souls. Some men only love
those who can see right through them. So if you want his love designate him
OUT—only this brings the respect precursory to love. Make people win
your favor by growing up while never trying to win their favor again. Your
new matrix of IN-OUT will form a new future as good as fame and fortune, for
in so getting your world organized the relief from tension will open the
floodgates of newfound energy—like ocean going through your veins.
It’s an easy way of asserting self in sweet silence, as silence says it
ALL—he knows what he did anyway so there is nothing more to say. Your
silence is a siren suggesting they spurt up speedily or “so long, so-low,
I’m going solo”. Since all misjudgment is oppression (indicating you
married the wrong man), the IN-OUT matrix removes the mental block keeping
you from success. Now, just enjoy a marriage of convenience until your
home comes into order around YOU.
LABELS AND FABLES
Take a rattlesnake and call it a “kitten”.
It’s still a rattlesnake. Ignore his insults and self-flattering
labels (braggadocio) and just see realities. He calls himself a
“loving Christian’ to veil his furiously vindictive mind, but just remember
it’s the humanitarian groups which hog and horde power and wealth. Stop
believing in his nice guy labels especially those put on “popular’
people and their petty past-times. See their inner realm—you can’t
afford not to for the time is late. You know how your stomach aches?
That’s your sense of evil all around. The cruelian always excuses
brutality, thinking he’s a right to attack. He loves to rub your nose
in the past or betray a promise. When he justifies, he lies.
Worse, his cruel cronies support his hypocrisy while his very victims see
him as a charming though rough “liberator”.
Remember that domestic violence is always
characterized by coercive control and psychological abuse.
Victimization is associated with alterations in the perception of the
perpetrator (that he’s omnipotent) but also alterations in the victim's
perception of self: self-blame, shame, low self-esteem, extreme
melancholy and crying spells combine with defenses to cope like denying the
existence or severity of the abuse. Acts
of contrition and intermittent kindness maintain the union and give false
hope that this hell will end but as it continues you'll see his trend
and become your own best friend. For people who witnessed violence in
their own family as children will usually imitate it as adults. There
are conditions that produce stress and conflict such as low income
occupations, unemployment or low social support from family or friends that
create high levels of stress. The Zvengali isolates his victims so you
must start a friend support system to get out of this mess. Military
men who've learned to resolve conflict with violence may automatically
use it to cope with stress. From a societal perspective, violence
against women has been accepted by society, law and religion
throughout time. Even now in America traditional male dominance
condones violence for control as women are assumed to be inferior:
One minister I called for counseling asked "what did you do to bring this
on?"--like as if smashing things was justified. Subordinated, women
become fearfully dependent and subject to demands and abuse of mates which
is primarily psychological--like yelling or humiliating them publicly
(e.g. neighbors) thus confirming their one-down status (“you’re crazy and
everyone knows it”).
Violence by a person in a position of
trust impairs the child's or wife’s ability to trust others.
Exposure to recurring traumatic experiences in early childhood places a
child at much greater risk of long-term psychological, emotional and
behavioral problems. The psychological impact is far more far-reaching and
surely creates physical symptoms. If you feel scared, nervous and sick
that's from this abuse. I have experienced it and took “quiet”
steps to deal with it like establishing a reliable friendship base with
trustworthy women who loved God, while continuing to be pleasant and keep
perfect house. There would be no more loud arguments with this man,
I’d learned my lesson by then so just remained above criticism (with him I’d
never win). Foremost I started to build up my self-esteem
through diet, yoga and remaining poised. Of particular importance was
not taking the victim role for that put caregivers (even friends) in the
superior position which made the problem worse. I grew up with
the goal of superiority by writing this book. I know women compound
their problem by bringing others in to confirm they've been
victimized, rather than just knowing it and calmly taking a new route (no
more pout) .
HOW TO WAIT ON ESCAPE
I love the Psalms: “Because of the voice of
the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked who bring down
trouble upon me and who in wrath hate me. My heart is
severely pained within and the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me and horror has overwhelmed me.
God will hear and afflict them. Because they do not change, therefore
they do not fear God. The words of his mouth were smoother than butter
but war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil yet they were drawn
swords. Cast your burden on the Lord for He shall never permit the
righteous to be moved but will bring them down to the pit of destruction;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men shall not live out half their days but
I will trust in you. Be merciful to me for my soul trusts in you and
in the shadow of your wings I will make my refuge until these calamities
pass. Reproach the one who would swallow me up for my soul is among
lions—I lie with men who are set on fire, whose teeth are spears and arrows
and their tongue a sharp sword. They have prepared a net for my steps;
my soul is bowed down; they have dug a pit before me but into the midst of
it they themselves have fallen (Psalms 57-59).
To continue about your abuser: “The
wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray as soon as they are born,
speaking lies. Their poison is like the poison of a serpent; they are
like the deaf cobra that will not heed the voice of charmers…The rigtheous
shall rejoice when he sees the vengeance; he shall wash his feet in the
blood of the wicked…scatter them and bring them down, O lord our shield.
For the sin of their mouth and the words of their lips, let them even be
taken in their pride and f or the cursing and lying which they speak…consume
them that they may not be and let them know that God rules.
SECRET WORLD OF SAFETY
To detach without being hit or humiliated
again, live in your own secret world. You can't change a mean man but
you can unchain through a "secret world of safety". Never let him know
how childish, brutish and ignorant he is. keep your wisdom to yourself
and your secret world will be a happy world. Never try to prove your
right, or that you're the victim (because he'll say he is). Just rely
on God to be your champion. Be careful if you're a lettered or
professional woman, and your husband is not, for his ego's at risk and that
can bring more psychic violence and withdrawal (even adultery).
In my desert solitude I can turn from man, mass or mess to face the
beautiful mountain vistas and suddenly the miraculous moment takes over as
all worldly wasters go "strangely dim". Everyone--both the abuser and
mis-advisors--are on probation here for no one can compete with eternity.
This is what we should always turn to when people problems persist. Go
tell it on the mountain so the OUTS dissolve or die and the INS can co-enjoy
eternal easy and ecstasy. I invited my dearest friends over for daily
walks while my fear and low self-esteem gradually lessened. Friendship
became paramount while waiting on God.
As is the case with anorexics,
Savant-Autistics, melancholy poets, reclusive artists, suicidal hermits or
ANAS (mature recovered anorexics who remain hyper-sensitive and
reclusive) some people are just too sensitive to adapt to autocratic
males. There can be a sharpness to the militaristic
personality that's like living in a grenade-range. I do admire the
military but my adaptation was another problem altogether:
we're talking stormy weather. I often wanted to die and all I did was
cry. Here's some methods I used to stay married enthused rather than
exhausted, sick and confused--then I promise it'll all end up passion-fused.
Besides establishing your own interests,
watch your diet. Being sensitive, starches and sugar (even too much
fructose) is dangerously body-distorting, constipating, candida-forming and
depressing. Respect your finely-tuned instrument which can't eat like
the others. Minimize to
turn on your might and maintain perfect balance in stormy weather! Do
ONE MEAL of DOUGHLESS PIZZA and with all morbid depressed thoughts you'll
sever. To be happy stay in fasting consciousness of SMALL BUT
NUTRIONALLY DENSE MEALS: mighty mouse meals! Then come all
profitable deals, ESPECIALLY 'cuz you're done with the heels. The higher
the diet (paleo-fastarian)
the more joy remains, the more you'll stay nice and
creative (i.e. sane). Also get into SUN, just a spot is
fine: stretch out each day for a time. You'll elongate and
gentle-ize (the personality becomes kind). Take walks in the sun
and look around. Remember the only goal which is sound: happy
marriage not marital depression the sadly scary merry-go-round.
Movies on HYPER-SENSITIVE FEMALES. ADAPTATION TO
face in the bible opening it up anywhere. Jesus knew all about
human persecution and was killed by it. He loves and cares for the
plight of females in a male world where the dominant reality is
male. Pray to Jesus throughout the day while your people-problems
persist--I do when wondering if it's the Devil I
kissed. It wasn't so much Mr. Great but the dominant male
view that hissed. Keep your focus on PSALMS and PROVERBS, so
you can see what is what, right and wrong--that's the GIST.
THE MALE NEEDS THE FEMALE--HER REALITY ,
female also needs the male so understand before you set sail for
when the honeymoon is over brides start to wail (I did too but was
determined not to fail). For Mr. Great had so much to give but my
mal-adaptations were making things worse and in extreme sensitivity it
felt like a curse. I couldn't ask for better but I was mal-adapting
and many of you feel just the same: Vibrant at first soon you're
mentally lame. You want to go back from whence you came and marriage seems
a sham and a shame.
Do your work with all diligence and protect
your charges from male abuse (I mean "discipline") so that female
gentleness and tenderness reigns, after all you create the home (it's
to you he complains). The home is our bio-environment, for Man is an
ADAPTIVE animal. He adapts to his environment and you're going to
create it (when it's insane (dirty, disordered) he'll be
insane). But if you maintain the clean order of Harriet Craig (the movie's
negative portrayal of which turned women against home-making) no
matter what's going on the outer your family stays happy.
The home should be a pleasant island in the sea of sharks--make the grounds
into beautiful parks and love the jerk no matter how much he barks.
He knows he's a mean creep but needs you in his sleep! The path to
connubial bliss is steep but with perseverance this Union God will keep.
God hates divorce and you don't
want to be on his bad side
(since it's just to Him you'll confide). Trust no man the Bible says
and I agree--restrain yourself from a gossiping spree when un-free in the
deep dark marital sea. Just get into your own reality (take a walk, go to
your cabin or pet a dog or cat). Wait a while so he can self-confront
(see himself as a rat). I say WAIT--for we're all flawed sinners open
to rile after we walk down the aisle. Let your fantasies of married life
go, and know: that All Men Are Sinners from Adam to Now.
Even if he hits you stay forgiving and kind.
I know that sounds masochistic but if you stay a lady (i.e. quiet, orderly
and refined) the man will turn around and be loving (you'll be wined and
dined). Women are no longer ladies of the historical kind, but
to a man it's a real find, rarer than rubies (he'll no longer resent the
chains that bind). It's all because women have become manly,
cluttered, cheap and immoral that man becomes abusive (cruel and blind).
All men are sinners but he'll TRANSFORM and be so grateful that for
his whole life it was with
you he signed.
MARRIAGE IS TRUE
Persevere so life can come together as a
jigsaw puzzle. Melancholy and depression is part of adaptation to
cruel circumstances. The problem is everyone is split from early
trauma or identity conflict which is projected onto others. This split
can be healed through marriage but it takes tenacity, faith and endurance.
Mr. Great and I have two cabins and we spend a lot of creative time
apart. I take long nature walks and look out the window while thinking
of God--what a lark! While with liberals or other degrading systems
I lose my center and start to cry (I never know why) until again alone on
my unique throne. This comes from twenty years in solitude and
resources gathered therein. Understanding this Mr. beautified and upgraded
each cabin. To make a happy marriage you must maintain your own realities
and this complementary fit is where God sits, amen! For He designed
marriage between man and wife (only in
this era do we see such